


Control

by pulsarneutron



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:49:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4817447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulsarneutron/pseuds/pulsarneutron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head, they beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> Control - Halsey was what I listened to while writing this. If you don't know it check it out.

She is the walking definition of evil. 

Pure, unadulterated evil

Chaos, pain and strife rolled into one beautiful package and honestly, she loved it. 

The thrill of the kill, the rush she gets when she watches the last piece of life flicker from her victims eyes, it's not a feeling she can simply replace with anything else. The monster in her demanded to be fed, demanded to be fuelled with blood and destruction and Carmilla was always more than happy to oblige it. 

She was made for this, designed to be the perfect killer. Beautiful and alluring but stronger than even a hundred men and cunning. Made to be the most deadly creature on earth. 

It is who she is, it's engrained in every fiber of her being. It's part of her always, even when she is loving, even when she cares or helps the demons are still there, they don't change just because she loves someone, SHE doesn't change just because she loves someone. She won't change for anyone, not when it took her so long to grow to love herself. 

For years after she was turned she hated who she was, she still had her human ideals of wrong and right and whenever she looked in the mirror she saw the devil. 

She'd gone through a phase (fifteen years) of avoiding anything that showed a reflection. Because even though she looked the same, albeit a bit paler, she didn't see herself. She saw the monster that killed every day, she saw the creature that ripped people to shreds, that had such an overwhelming thirst she would wipe out entire families in a night. Nobody was safe, not even the children. 

Back than, that terrified Carmilla, she was young, she thought that it should feel different somehow, to take the life of a child sleeping in his bed compared to his parents. But it didn't feel any different, not even when she wiped out an orphanage one night. 

She had been particularly hungry, maman had a rather harsh way of teaching her children to control their hunger, and that was to leave them without meals for day. 

"It will teach you discipline" she used to say

Discipline, yeah. All it really taught her was how to keep secrets. They'd just moved to a new village in the south of France. Carmilla had smelt them the second they arrived, the children. Hundreds of them. To her the younger ones tasted sweeter, had an innocence about them that the monsters inside her had the urge to destroy. 

The orphanage was set up to house children from all over the county, ones that had lost their parents, some who were dumped there and even a few who stayed there while their parents worked in the next village over. 

It took her less than a hour to drain 210 children. Matska had found her, she always did. She would always come for her and hold her while she broke down. 

Mattie had been the one to look after Carmilla, they would sit up together and look at the stars. Mattie would tell her stories about where she grew up, about where she'd been and what she'd seen.   
The stories were glamorous, everything Mattie did was glamorous. Carmilla knows now why she used to tell those stories, it wasn't because she liked to re-live the past but because it's what Carmilla needed, she needed to know that even being death personified she could still live. 

She could still love, could still have fun and experience all that the earth had to offer. It was Mattie that taught Carmilla to love herself, showed her that despite her blood lust she was worthy of being loved for who she is. Mattie was the first one to love her, really love her. Maman cared, Carmilla knew that, but it was a different kind of caring. 

There was genuine love between Carmilla and Matska. Mattie started taking her on trips, to wherever their mother had request she go Carmilla would follow. 

 

Carmilla had stopped playing attention to birthdays, they seemed pointless when you didn't age. What use was a silly number when you were going to literally live forever. That was until one day Mattie had arrived home early from an assignment their mother had her go on alone. She looked mad but as soon as she saw Carmilla lounging around her face softened. 

"Come on little monster, we're going on a trip" she'd said. 

Saigon. 

What a week. Carmilla was sure she'd never had that much fun in her life. Anything she had wanted to do they did, she got first pick of the prey, her sister had treated her like royalty for a week and Carmilla had loved every second. Then it came time for them to head home, back to their mother and their duties but before they left Mattie had pulled Carmilla close, kissed her forehead and held her. 

"Happy hundredth birthday little sis"

That's when she started counting her birthdays again. After that trip she had learnt that Maman had sent Mattie away the week before with the intention she wouldn't be around for Carmillas birthday, after that she started seeing less and less of her sister. Their mother had them both doing different things and they rarely had time to just be together. Carmilla started to lure in girls, the less she saw of her sister the more she retreated into herself. 

Until she met El. El was beautiful, pure, innocent and so full of love. It was the exact thing that the monster in her craved, but not in the usual bloodlust way. In a caring way, in a way that she wanted to protect her from all the pain and rot in the world.

That of course didn't work out very well. 

70 years in that coffin and all she could think of was El calling her a monster. A monster. Not in an affectionate way that Mattie used to call her but in a harsh, cold and terrified way. The way she used to see herself when she had first been turned.


End file.
